after deleting the previos draft post

I have just deleted my previous post. It does not sound me... hmm at least it does not sound the way i want to potray myself. I was in anger mode. Anger made me evil. I don't want to read a post when i can be reminded of how evil i can get.

Anyway, i've just went for my routine checkup yesterday. It was a normal routine check up except for when the gynae found out that my skin is drying and needs extra-aqua typed cream, and of course i need to drink a lot. Due to the dryness, my skin irritates badly. The gynae suggest it could be due to pregnancy since no one else in the house were affected. I've tried washing my skin over and over using dettol soap, no effect. I guess she's correct, it's not fungal, its just dryness and the pregnancy thing.

Well that went ok. The best part is, when i insist on knowing the baby's gender. Well, this is my 3rd pregnancy and i am done with the surprises. I need to know. She was tracing hardly, with the ultrasound machine, zooming in and out, and taking her time measuring all neccessary measurement on my baby. She wipe my tummy twice with the jelly, and zoomed in again. She said " well, i guess XY, see the bone there, something is in between there." Honestly, i do not know what's XY is. But by the way she's talking it should be a boy! Hubby went and say,
"So, XY ?",
"Yes" the gynae replied.
"It's a boy" hubby said,
he's a medical grad drop-out, he's slightly smarter than me so he knows what's XY is. I just can't stop smiling. I've been waiting for a boy. And not that i'll be sad if it turns out to be a girl, maybe gynae mistakenly predict it. But this is already a good news to me.

Just hope that Dr Teh (by the way the gynae's name is Dr Teh), is correct. And Allah has granted me a boy. I am so thankful for that.

He's already kicking now, actively , so i can start my plan for him. The blue bedsheet, and pillow cover.... na na na na.. i am happy. Thank you Allah.

on the fence - no one's side !

image uploaded from http://desma.smugmug.com

it works! all i need to do to avoid uncomfortable argument with hubby is just a humble silent. Whenever hubby raise his voice for any reason i just have to :

1. listen to whatever he said,
2. nodded and say "hmmm.."
3. do not react or give any feedback unless requested
4. a big no no for backfiring him
5. reply questions with smiles and never ever 'mengungkit'
6. lower my voice.
   

there are no reason to make him mad, i found out that men are sensitive creature. When they feel sad and angry, they'll never speak of that to the wife. And wife, you have to understand their gestures, and avoid anything that would possibly trigger the already loaded gun. They're so sensitive that you can't even ask why or what's with the long face. Really, they're not mad at you, and they do not loose interest on you, it is just something else, something in the office maybe, but sensitivity has swore them not to share it, and to only unload the anger when triggered by any other unrelated and insignificant tiny issues.

well, that is something unacceptable a few years back when i first entitled as wife. But true enough what wise people said, you learn most from experiences. I begin to accept that men are men, and are martian (from Mars !!) to us women. They react and think differently, and comparing men to women for me is like comparing roti canai to fruit salad! two very different dishes !

Still, no offence but men are sensitive creatures.. :) They just hide it under their big chest.

two and a quarter

Those two refers to who else : Ilhan Yasmin and Khairin Masyitah.

And the quarter refers to somebody tiny inside me (always hoping and eager to call 'he' ! ).

Ilhan will be 3 this year. But she's a small framed girl. She looks like a 1 and a half year baby. She starts walking when she was 9 1/2 month, and since then she loose her appetite in food. She looooooovees to play, run, jump, 'berkube' (quoting hubby), swims (not swim lah.. she love to play with water.. suka anything about the water). When it is lunch/dinner time, she would only swallow 5-6 spoons. And she'd goes , "kakak dah kenyang..", will start with her activities back. She'll return back to the kitchen half an hour later, asking for bread or ice cream or cookies... She can 'draw' now. She'll draw a big round, and fill it with colours.. "bulat! " she said. She use to love reading, but with the limitation of books that i've bought for her, she prefers the newspaper, which will then turned to sampah.. Ilhan has been sleeping in her own room since we have Khairin Masyitah around. We put a single bed in her room, with lots and lots of cartoons sticker to make to room looks like kindergarden, with striking green curtain and pink comforter for her. She has never fall down from the bed, despite the very cautious concern from her tuk ma. Ilhan will wake up when i do my subuh prayer, to ask for milk; she sleep so soundly that she won't wake up at night. This year i hope she can be free from the diapers, so let's start with toilet training !

Khairin Masyitah however is a plump baby ! She looooves to eat, she would come to anyone with food. I enjoy cooking for her, as she'll finish up the whole plate of 'bubur nasi' and a cup of plain water at every lunch/dinner time. Masyitah started to walked when she was 10 month old. She's a healthy 11 months baby who can almost run and jump now. Funny when she could not squeez in a shirt bought my her tuk ma, but when we put it on to her kakak, it fits her right ! Masyitah is a quite girl, compared to her sister, but she has eyes on things. She would quietly went to the DVD cabinet and messed up all the DVDs, the other day while we watched tv she took out all my kitchen plastic ware. We have always thought of putting her on diet, but when we think about it again, well, as long as she's healthy and happy let her eat. And she has already got her first 2 teeth, so she can at least chew a bit now !

The other quarter is still very tiny. I always hope that i'll call him 'he'. I do not want to decide a name yet, its too early but i will find a boy's name. I am ok if Allah grant me with another girl, they'd make a crowd and can always have a shoulder to cry on. I just would be very much delighted if Allah gives me a boy. I feel complete. I always find that i am carrying a boy, or maybe because i hope so much to get a boy. I feel healthy, less nausea, less backpain, and less interest in buying and dressing up. Please let it be a boy. :)

Wait till July. They'll be 3 !!!

An anniversary to remember.

Happy 3rd anniversary. I wed him last 3 years, on 16th January 2004.
I am still married to him and am happy about it.

Wrote something for him, but on second thought i keep that with me instead.
Anyway, by any case hubby dear is reading this, this is what i supposed to slip in to your organizer on our anniversary :

" Most people say, the best thing in the world is love. Well i agreed and couldn't disagree on that. Love has actually live up the world, give sanity and empathy to us. Imagine the world without love.. sigh. I have lived 3 years with you, and truly, it has been an inspiring one; and exciting too. I can not imagine a happier life with anyone else. Your love has put me in the must suitable place i should be; with you. I have learned a lot through the 3 years and I am looking forward for the upcoming years.

Sorry that this is all I have for you during our 3rd anniversary, believe me i would do much. But i thought letting out and making you know how much you mean to me would be the best thing to do. However uninterested you get to read this, i have to let you know that you really mean a lot to me. I need you , and i need your love.

We have went through our good and bad days, and I have loved you long enough to know that you'll never reveal how much you love me. No romantic dinner, birthday surprises, sweet words would ever come from you. But the way you have take care of us, reminds me that not everyone is a hopeless romantic guy. This is just your way of telling me that you love me. And for me, this is true love. I am thankful that Allah has grant me quite a husband.

Love. "

i believe

I always believe in God, The Almighty Allah,
but i did not fulfil my responsibility as His slave. I'm terribly scared of His ultimate power, His burning hell, and His promise to bad-doers, but I never stop doing sins. As if i know when i'll die, and as if i can always be prepared with millions of good deeds to cover up my sins when the time comes. I believe in the death angel, i know they existed and they have never missed a job. And i know their list is top confidential, but i always pretend that i will be at the bottom of the list.

Long have i remembered, those time when i am terribly afraid of the Allah's punishment, i cried until i can't sleep. Those were time when i woke up at 3.00 am and do my late night prayer. And those were time when i was only 14-16. I can't even manage my own money not even my own clothing, but I'm sure scared of something very true. My path was right.

What had happened? I am a married mom of 2, 27 years of age. I earn my money, own a car a house, manage 2 offices, but when i missed a prayer, i did not feel as guilty as before. Am i a believer now? I confess that i still believe in Allah, and all the things that He could do. How come i grow up to be such an arrogant servant of Him?

I believe in marriage.
I did get married, to a fine young man. And i always believe that the essence of happy marriage is good communication, being tolerate and patient, sharing... Look at me when we had a fight over something very minimal, say doing the laundry. I am all mad, as if doing the laundry might kill me. And i nag, half-conciously with words that stab anyone's heart. I never communicate in the right manner to hubby. How is that supposed to happen when i believe differently?

I need not just to learn how to believe.
I need to learn how to practice my believe.
I am a blank believer, let's that be in 2007 resolution.
To practice what i believe.

a feel to let out

this is my second post in a day, which is so unlike me. I hardly published one post within a week.
But today i feel like writing to let out.

I need a break. I do not know if i deserve a long long luxurious holiday, but i just need it. If there's a santa, i'll told him that i've been bad, maybe i do not deserve a rest from home/kids routine. But who cares ? i need it.

I felt pain in every inch of my body. I always feel dizzy and sleepy, as if i need a whole day of sleep. Does it sounds like any fatal desease's symptom? (well hopefully not). This sickness is just due to my pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, i accept the fact that i'm pregnant, i just whine because i feel sick.

I did not get enough rest. My pregnant friends get to sleep at 10.00 pm, get rest while dear hubby take care of the other kids, and hmmm.. i have to sleep at 11.00 pm , and that is considered a lucky day. Some other days, i get to lay on my back at 12.00 am, after a hard day of carrying both daughters, when most pregnant ladies can't even carry their notebook bag (it is believed that during pregnancy, u must avoid carrying heavy things for your health)

I may sound complaining, but believe me, i just need to let it go. I am tired. I feel like crying.
Even writing this entry made my back ache.

I never believe in Santa. Thus, i shall request from Allah. Allah, i am tired, and it affects my spouse. Please Allah, give strength to me, as i always believe that You will never test if i am not capable of this.

**relieved that i let it out..

to change or not ?

change is hard for me. I like people who changed for good, but i find it very much difficult to change. My excuses are simple,

1. i love the way i do things, eventhough in a lousy way
2. it is difficult to change to something good
3. once i feel comfortable on something, i'll cling to it.

Really, this post is just about my decision, on whether to change my job, or move out from Penang, or just stay on my old job in my old house.

I love the way i live here, and i do feel very comfortable with my current life, it is just that, IT HAS BEEN 4 LONG YEARS. I need change eventhough i hate changes.

All my self-argument are unconcluded : " Life has been good, yes. But life can be better, well it can also be worse with change..", "How about hubby? - he'll follow along, well, will he?" , "Those babies ?, they'll get along with new place and all- hmm what if they're going tantrum over everything? .."
sounded lame and stupid, but truly i did thought of all that.

Deep down, i do need change. Thus from today onwards, i'll pray and never stop praying that Allah will then show me a path to choose so i can move on from here.

Ameen.