dizzy and sleepy

a bit dizzy today, most probably due to my uncomfortable night sleep lately. It is quite difficult to be comfortable to sleep nowadays, with the big, growing and moving belly, and with the unbearable backache. And sleepy too, mostly during my email answering, data updating, and documents verification. Need a good nite sleep.

By the way, i've got what i want :
1. my new pregnancy wear, a long pants (with stretchy and comfy belly cover), and 2 piece of blouse, loose and nice.
2. I have also got myself a new loafer, Scholl's, so its so nice to fit in the shoes that i actually can walk faster than before, without backache afterwards.

And i should be reminded of what i should do once i got my bonus pay (which will be a lot than usual) :

1. clear all the credit - most importantly credit cards payment - bugging me!
2. save some for the maid payment
3. treat my staff with a nice lunch - they deserve it, they've been working with me!
4. treat my parents in a luxurious eating place - without them, i wouldn't be here.

Well, its 6.oo pm, i should pack and go home!

InTerMittent .. .. ..

Istiqamah (consistent) in doing something good is never my trait. I hate to admit it, and i hate the fact that i am not being istiqamah. I think the most contributing factor of me not being morally good is that i am always not consistent in doing good deeds.

I am not uneducated or 'jahil'. I am well aware of the difference between good and bad and I am well educated with ethics. I am just ignoring the fact that i must continously behave well.

In my terms, i call myself an intermittent girl.

Anyone should test me using any testing devices, run a BER on me, i shall give you uncounted errors, pattern slip maybe. Most probably my clocking signal is bad, so please do a sync test. Compare with an extremely good reference, rubidium or whatever but never refer me to the satellite clock, i'll fail. And don't forget to do it within 24 hrs. Intermittent can not be detected within a few hrs test, remember?

And to fix me, please take an input clock from the main source, the SSU or whatever they call it. And do not cascade it with others. I am greedy, and i might fail if u let me share with others. I shall always be monitored, so please connect me to an online monitoring system. But no, do not put a CCTV u silly! Connect me to a reliable alarm monitoring system, and ask someone to proactively monitor it. Shall there be any alarms, pls get anyone to fix it. Do not wait until you get a major alarm.

i am drifting away from whatever i shall say and plan to say. So, lets pen off, i am actually lost!

out of nowhere

I think love is a poison. A slow reacting one. Watched CSI (NY) over the weekend, on one sad episode of a beautiful young lady with cancer, being murdered for her appartment. She barely has 3-4 more month to live due to the cancer, yet she's being poisoned, slowly by a good neighbor, with arsenic. In small amount, arsenic was being added to her organic tea-bags, by the killer for almost 5 years. It took the arsenic 5 years to kill her (note : i've done no scientific research, this is according to those CSI guys in the series).

But love, love take more than that, the slowest reacting poison. Like any other poison, you'll feel affecting you more and more everyday. Love kills. And that's why no homo-sapiens are immortal; admit it or not, we're all in love, and we're all being murdered by love. Relate it with one of the Muslim's believe that good guys will always die first. Well, good guys are always loving guys. The more you're involved with love, the faster it kills you. It is an analogy to the arsenic, put more arsenic in your tea-bag, you'll die faster.

Being a logical person, a logical insight will always came pass me.

Love kills
but human must love
so to be on the safe side;
give the least of your love, and request the very least of love from others.
secret ingredient of long life...

Can we not pretend that we need lots of love? Or can we actually live longer with only a bit of love? As love is a poison, it is our heart's food. You'll die faster without love, than with love. Poison kills, but food keeps you alive, a week without food will turn a human to corpse.

Out of nowhere i feel like writing about this; whether love a weapon that kills you or makes you alive? The question pops up in mind, as i am very much hoping to be alive, and to live my life. I feel like i am dying, everyday, so to love or not to love?

the day?

Yesterday was woman's day. Not until one of the FM radio channel aired a morning talk of Woman's day, that i realize today's the day. Frankly, i do not know how people celebrate it, worse, i do not know what it is all about. What is it about actually?

Googled it, and found out that officially, 8th March of every year is pronounce as International Woman's Day. Supposed to be a day to connect all woman in the world and inspiring them to achieve their full potential. Well, a long history to get a day pronounced as woman's day, as it started out around 1900 in NY, when woman first fight for their rights (or maybe, first time noticed by the world fighting for their rights, as i am sure woman earlier than 1900 should have fought their right as well, individually). Officially being discussed during International Socialist convention in Copenhagen back in 1910, where a date was proposed to honour woman's right movement. And the fight for woman's day did continues until 1975 when it was finalized by United Nations (after claiming years of supports for IWD, tru conferences) and pronounce the 8th March as IWD.

And what they do on this day? it is a day when women's achievement are celebrated, and events are held to inspire all XX chromosome human. Its an honour to have a day dedicated to woman, but does that help in anyway? I have a good feeling that this day is celebrated only by those who feel that woman's right is violated. I don't. Thus there's no need to celebrate it.

Clearly, this day is to remind us that there were days when women were treated different from man, and whichever organisation who supports this day wanted women to believe that those old bad days are gone. True enough, women are being treated differently, not just before 1900, until now. But is that bad?

Well, i did not do my research, but as i watch movies and even read in books and magazine the it is not all bad. We are treated differently, because we are different from man. We are created by Almighty Allah to be women. The beauty of the world. We are not men, created as tougher and given lots of responsibilities. Why fight for the differences, when we are different?

I love being a woman. And i notice that man and woman are not the same, and i love the differences. If IWD is just a day to fight for an equality of both sexes, then i am happy that i do not celebrate it. It would be better, if we can celebrate a day, for woman, to be a true woman, and to be treated not equally as man, but treated as a woman, the beauty of the earth.

No title

i have no title for today's entry.
i am absolutely frustated today.

i have tried hard to wake up early in the morning and clean the house before going to work, and it works for like 3-4 days. I felt tired the 5th day, and end up waking up late, even late for work.
That feels bad, and ruins my mood the whole day.

good thing is : the quran reciting is still my daily routine, never skipped it since the day i promise myself to recite quran everyday. It is calming actually, to even hold the quran. The very time that i felt peaceful.

On lighter note, i really do not know how to arrange/re-arrange my house, specifically the kitchen to make it looks neat and clean. The house is loaded with stuffs, and we are not willing to throw away any. To make it worse, we do not have a proper cabinet system, in which we can stuff all our things inside, and make it invisible, yet we know it is there.

Another disadvantage of no proper cabinet is : khairin and ilhan has full access of all stuff, including the canned food. Currently, we put all our things on rack (cheap racks), which most of it has no cover. The kids will take out everything on the rack, daily, and mess around with it.
And i have to re-arrange them back, after they're done with it.

but anyway, a proper cabinet system would cost us another few thousands, so i might as well forget about it.

friends

i have many of them, or shall i rephrase it : i used to have many of them, since i don't think i can recall more than 15 of my friend's phone number. And that is so not me.

I used to live in a house pack of 12 mates, and around the house were where all my other friends stay, we were neighbours, by walking distance.

Back during my secondary education time, i stayed in hostel, pack of girls and boys, and we're friends, close friends who recognize one's teethbrush and pail.

And i still can remember my younger times, during my years in hometown, friends are people i can not live without. They're my playmate, my tuition mate, and they occasionally will bring ration to school/sports training session to share.

Those are the times when i have no penny at all, except for some daily pocket money (usually 50cent per day) from my parents for the morning break or breakfast. And those are the times when my friends and i wore the same type of cloth, use the same type of book and bags, regardless of our parent's salary. And those are the time when we share our money for outings, or even for lepaking at kedai mamak.

No one bothers to draw a territory line between two friends.

my god i need friends !