to my envy

i envy other's stories,
they told me how they pick and choose a good kindergarden
for their lovely daughter,
well, the one that offers gimnastic classes, with piano lessons
and with english medium.
i asked them how much does it cost monthly,
RM250, from 815 to 1145.
- can't afford that

i envy other's experiences,
they wrote and shared about their enjoyable trips,
holiday in bandung, or bangkok, or singapore,
mostly, they did their shopping there.
good, as i can't even shop in malaysia.
can't afford the time and money for it.
- i end up with wearing baju kurung everyday to work - no pants

i envy other's life,
they own a big house, good car, and everything i envy..

sigh.

I learn

i learn, from my book,
that 3C2W coaxial cables can support 45MB leased line up to 90meters of length

but i learn, from other's experience,
that 3C2W coaxial cables, will start giving errors after 80meters of length

i learn, from the internet and books,
that when router shows serial is up, line protocol is down
the physical line is definitely down.

but i learn, from my own experience,
that sometimes, it can be router's fault, reset it.

i learn, from the courses and training sessions,

test gears test result is almost accurate,
if it shows no error, there's no error then, confirm.

but i learn, from my mistakes,

that test gears are also a tool,

it may and may not detect whatever it suppose to detect.

I guess i've learn,

that books, courses, trainings are good references.

But experience and mistakes,

is the best reference.

The best teacher.

To myself, good luck!

after a long break

the long awaits.

finally we welcomed our new home-mate (huh? such a word?). My maid actually arrived. After a long awaits, and quarrels and shouting with the agent we welcomed her full heartedly.



[The maid]

Couldn't judge much about her, she has only been 2 weeks plus in our home. But, she looks fine. She did her work as instructed, and to my relieve, she recite Quran; almost everyday. For me, it is an realy indication of a trusted person.



[The agent]

for me, she's not an agent. she is as good as our phone set. Call other agents to get us maid, and charge us. lucky she's a woman, older than me, i hardly raise my voice to her. But as i've told her, only Allah knows if she did not cheat me ( haha, tuh dah tahap geram tuh).



queues of kenduri



well, we'll be busy for kenduris this coming month.



[atiqah and ammar's aqiqah]



will be on 24th Nov. Mak is busy preparing all the hantaran , yes, this time around we do not request Maksu to do the hantaran for us. Mak did all the hantaran by herself.

[shah's solemnisation and reception]

shah, my bro-in-law's kenduri will be held on 5th Nov (yes its on wednesday !) at the bride's kampung and on 15th November in Kelantan. Of course Ma will be extremely busy. And oh, my future sis-in-law is a penangite, Balik Pulau (reminded me of the most delicious laksa in penang). So, relatives and family's friends will definitely drop by our little house, but i still do not have any plan for their visit.

[friend's kenduris]

firstly susan will get married (finally) on 15th Nov. Yes, the same date with shah. Can't make it and promise susan one humble hantaran.

ella's wedding was a week after raya. Can't make it, i was also in Kelantan, cuti raya

Well.... after a long break

Ramadhan delights!

Ramadhan is a month of ibadah. So let's delight our days and activities with ibadah.

As for me, this ramadhan, i am :

1. trying as hard as i can to be khusyu' during my pray time.
2. be a good and patient mum.
3. trying to be a veryresponsible boss.
4. trying to be a good wife, ie. no malas-malas.

its a simple list. And its a simple wish.

Ahlan wa sahlan MUHAMMAD AMMAR RAYYAN

Chronology of a successful and joyful moments....

22 June 2007

0945 hours

it was a fine friday morning, and as usual me, hubby and a very close colleague of ours went out friday morning big-big breakfast at nasi kandar Rahim (opposite the Tabung Haji Bayan Lepas, and i strongly recommend the gerai.. :) ). I ate a lot, curry fish with lady's finger, salted egg, and scrumptious amount of gravy.

1015 hours

and as usual, we were chatting some usual topics inside our T* van back from the breakfast .. laju jugak, as we all need to continue our piles of unfinished tasks. And suddenly i felt a rush of liquid coming down from u know where. In thoughts of i might accidentally passed urine (which i have always experienced during these periods of prenancy), i did not tell anything to hubby. Within a few minutes, another discharge flows down. At this particular time, i had a slight thought of labor sign.

1030 hours

arrived at the office, and i did not rush to the toilet just yet. I need to go to the office for some urgent calls.

Until, i feel a need to answer the nature's call, then i march to the toilet, and found out that i am wet (hehe.. i did not notice that before..). Luckily, i did bring along my handphone. Called hubby, and he's at his office upstairs. He had his panic attack again and called his mother before he can even disconnect the line with me.

1130 hours

after a few calls to the company's medical insurance agent for GL and all, and calls to the OB who then request us to consult her first to determine my condition, and calls hubby made to her mother on my condition, we waited in the office. half an hour to get my GL ready.

1230 hours

me and hubby were in the Pantai Mutiara Hospital, being examined by the OB. Its a labor sign, my cervix's opening was at 2 cm, but i did not feel any contraction yet. So, i still smile that today is the day. Dr Teh request me to be warded, so there i was, in the labor room, with complete hospital dress ready for the labor.

1430 hours

still no labor pain. Dr Teh has suggested to wait for the labor to come naturally instead of inducing it. agreed on that, due to my painful experience with masyitah last year. She insisted that i am having mild contraction on which i might not feel yet, based on her examination and ultrasound i guess. And again, i took another huge meal, the hospital lunch of fish and vegetables ! yummy..

1600 hours

no labor pain yet. But i am getting restless. I walk around the room and even outside the room, (tu pun Dr teh suruh..). Dr Teh came by and examine me, 4 cm cervix opening. Good, at least the walk resulted in something.

1900 hours

I felt hungry. But the nurses said, there will be no dinner for me. i will be served with biscuits and light meals only, as i am getting ready for the push and all. Ok then, i took the biscuits and milo. Feel a slight contraction, and this time i know i need to get ready..

2100 hours

well, it is painful now. But lasted only for around 1 minute and will occur again in another 7-10 minutes. I still can smile. Mak has already arrived at the hospital. I always feel relieve with her company.

2200 hours

ok, right now, i am all wet with sweat. It was very painful as expected. I told myself to resist any kind of painkillers, let the pain be felt, hopefully it urges me and help me focus on pushing the baby out.



oh and yes, this time around i remembered to remind hubby to record the baby's birth moment. (he did that successfully ! kudos)


2330 hours

doc came in, as we're only waiting for the right time to start pushing. After 30 minutes of sweat and push, (with hubby not holding my hand, busy with the digicam recording me) here comes Muhammad Ammar Rayyan..

Honestly, i enjoy every moments of the delivery. I thank Allah for the bless He's given us and for the strength that enable me to help our bundle of joy come out from the womb.

"Sujud syukur ku padaMu ya Allah, dengan cahaya baru yg telah engkau kurniakan dalam hidup kami.. Semoga engkau rahmati anak ini dan semoga anak ini menjadi hambaMu yang soleh.. Ameen"

Ahlan wa sahlan MUHAMMAD AMMAR RAYYAN BIN SHAHRUNIZAR.

(pic later !)

always a First Timer

cartoon from cartoon stock : http://www.cartoonstock.com/newscartoons/cartoonists/rni/lowres/rnin527l.jpg

I've had a contraction last night. It was a continous pain for about 15 minutes, and repeats from 6:45 pm up to 8:45 pm. But after that I am all good, and even can clean all the dirty dishes hubby and BIL left.

Hubby was relieved upon hearing my statement of : " i think this is a fake contraction, i am ok now", to the extend that he take a "short" nap from 8:45pm till morning. He's been busy unpacking and packing my hospital bag (which i have already prepared beforehand), from one bag to the other. And worst, he's been calling around. Called his mother to ask about my pain, called his auntie to request for help in case of anything since she's the only relative living here in Penang, and even request me to call my mom.


MIL called a few times, asking me to leave the babies at the baby sitter last night and straight go to the hospital. I am tempted with that suggestion, but one second after the call terminates, my mom called (she has always sense anything upon me !). Mak asked on how am i doing (guess when ? just after the maghrib azan sounded). Relieved, i told her that i was in pain, but i do not know whether this is another practicing session by my son and my body or a real one. She calmly replied ,


"U have been tru this twice before, u should know. Let's not be panic, wait for a moment if still occurs, u have ur OB's num, refer to her".


My mom is superb ! She has made me relax and true enough, it is a fake contraction. But this is a sign that the real event will come soon. And a good practice for all of us to not be panic.


Hubby and me has been panic. So does MIL. But i guess that some people are just always a first timer. We can't help but be panic. This is going to be our third baby, but we still act as though we have never been tru all these. Some of us are just too cautious, and never take things for granted.


And Allah has always be fair, He created somebody like Mak, so that we can stand on the ground and be less panic.


Afterall, there's nothing wrong of being a first timer, always. It makes me feel fresh.

relieve of the long awaits

the letter.

it's a relieve now that we have got our letters for the realignment of the company. It is not surprising for me, i have already predicted what will be in my letter and i have strong feeling i will be right.

And yes i am right.

I am staying in the same old unit, with only a little hope that tiny changes will happen. Instead of dividing us into geographical area, we are assigned to fuctional post. And that doesn't matter much, i'll be doing the same ol' job. same ol' job. And that has been my complaints tru out the year.

Do i not have the guts to move out from my comfortable zone?
Do i freak out to meet the real world?
Do i give excuses not to move out?
Why do i gave excuses to my plan of moving out?

stay focus. I have at least 2 month of leave to ponder this out. Hopefully i'll get my answers.

The big belly

Signs are appearing. OB keep saying the head is engaged. And my weight is decreasing a kilo. Brixton Hicks happens night and day. But i am still with my big belly. I understand that these are all on His's hand. The time will come, when it supposed to come.

I am just too anxious. And scared too. Pray for me. May Allah bless the baby and me.

Amen

no particular order

Of naming him

He's a him. And as excited as we could get, we should name him, or at least think of list of preferred names for him. We shall name him with a meaningful name, with arabic meaning, or at least with good meaning, in full hope that he would be a good person as his name indicates. I have told dear hubby to think of names, since he has not give ideas on naming any of our babies before. I want him to name this one.

I like nice name, creative name. Thus, hopefully hubby would find a name that will fit my criteria, nice and creative. I will them him that.
On second thought, well, don't tell him anything. Let him decide. Afterall, this is a father-son thing. Let him do his first father-son task.

Name the son, father !

Post-natal blues

I am eyeing on a highly rated post natal set; from Nona Roguy. In fact, i have registered myself as member for the discount price. The offset is; MAHAL. It is about RM300 per set, which exclude the tummy binder (bekung or barut) - and by the way i do not need another bekung as i have already owned 2 set of it.



It is an excellent product except for the price, and that's what i gathered from my verbal survey with makciks at the office and from the internet. Especially it's Herbanika Ointment, and Phytonatal Pill.



Hubby do not approve. "Mahal sangat" he said.



So, i've look for alternatives :

1. Amway THS - complete with pilis, tepel and all, plus the tummy binder. Also highly rated on the internet, but still price around RM200++. Don't know if hubby would agree.


2. HPA - i am totally not into this product, not a complete set. But price wise, hubby will say yes.


3. Air Mancur (my old post natal set) - hubby has suggested me to use this one back. It's cheap, but not quite complete. The pills and pilis/tepel are always finish before i even reach 30 days of 'pantang'.

I have actually set my mind on purchasing nona roguy set. Not because of the popularity and good raport, because somehow i believe that the herbal substance of its medicine may gain me energy during post natal and even after that. See, i am a tired person, and i need help (nyeh nyeh.. actually i am just set to buy that, nothing can stop me, only hubby).

I'll tell hubby i need this. And i'll use my money, not to worry. One choice made.

on growing up

we are like plants, we grow up.



But unlike plants, we grow up physically, emotionally and well i'd say "kematangan akal".

As for me, i do realize (especially emotionally), that i grew up, judging by my way of taking issues and problems compared to when i was 17 or even 22. We all do realize this, and somehow, we manage to develop ourself.



Some people just don't. Some are just emotionally unstable, and these types are hard to be understand. It is not their all their fault though. But these people are just hard to fit in the real world. I have one staff, who is very much emotionally unstable. See, all my staff are men, and on first thought, i presume all of them are less emotional than us woman. That would help a lot. But this guy is the only one with 'woman' problem sticking on him. I am not back stabbing him, but it is the truth.



Colleagues of him are trying hard to understand him, but none did. Words from his mouth are hurtful, and discouraging. It is not of positive values that should be in the office of 6 person. At last everyone accept him as he is, and bear all the consequences of being his colleagues.



I'd say that is one type of person who has not grow up emotionally. He is still a baby. Who needs lots of attentions and demand lots of unnecessaries. Pity him. But sorry, i have no choice, we'll be transferring him out from the unit, as he's making the office's environment unhealthy.



At least i learned something tru this. No matter how intelligent you are, you need to keep up with the 'people issues', which is by far, the most sensitive problem i've had face.



And i've learned how to deal with older people. I'm working with people of age (average) 40 and above. I am still learning, no doubt, but it has been a difficult journey.

Enuff on that. Remember, smaller people talks about other people!!

of segmenting people

during my company's new software/system briefing, we were being taught on how segmentization is done. Basically, the speaker segmentize the class by age, then by units, then by physical appearances and such.

I learned that segmentization is important for analysis. As for business, segmentize ur customer, and u'll be able to customize service/products to them according to their needs and preferences.

A few days back in a herb & traditional medication shop somewhere in BJ(went there to find a good post natal set, will blog bout that later), i saw a framed quotation by someone (i forgot who he is),

Big people talks about IDEAS
Small people talks about THINGS
Smaller people talks about OTHER PEOPLE

And well, that is a good segmentization, and quite true.

I guess i have always been a smaller people. Nothing wrong about that (except when u start to bad-mouthed people behind them), i talked about other people. How great they are or how bad they are, and use it as my guidance on making decisions or taking actions.

And that is why I am still a small person (err not physically though). I rarely talks about things. Which is a good topic. I have never thought of talking about how an engine in a car works (my boss had a session of pep talk on that, he's not as small as me, and that is why he is my boss).

In fact when we start talking about things or ideas rather than other people, we are thinking of things and ideas rather than other people.

Isn't that productive and stimulate creativity? and cool.

Still, we are never a big people. We are human, and human has emotional needs. One of it is to has emotionally attached to other people. Which lastly referred to thoughts and talks of other people. So, what the heck, i'll be a bigger person that i am before, just by adding another good element in my thoughts and talk.

Lets start with things, before it develop to ideas. Lets.

in the midst of third trimester

Pic of baby in 3rd trimester, taken from

http://healthlibrary.epnet.com/GetContent.aspx?token=f65d9f41-172c-4334-949e-4a725f85d14a&chunkiid=101070

the third trimester has always been a busy time for me. And i have always pray for pre-dated delivery rather than waiting for the expected due date.

doctor asked me to perform some exercise, as i've been complaining of back pain, and all other pain. hopefully those exercises will help me deliver quickly.

oh, i met the maid agent just now. Well, i found out that she's doing the business from home, not quite an agent, not a registered one. But, since we've made a deal, and i saw all the documents are in place and as long as she gave me a good deal with a good maid, i'm not cancelling anything just yet. The meeting lasted with her giving me 3 biodata of maid for me to choose.

Sigh.

Choosing is just not my thing. I doubt my decision making ability as my decision has always been well... wrong. I may chose right, but that would only happen after first decision has been made and damage has been done. Hmmpphh.. have i gave up ? nope. And i have no option to give up too. I must choose and decide. I need a straight and calm mind, with of course His help, Allah SWT.

and the third trimester symptom of mine come. Dizzi and sleepy. so , i got to go.

Bye. and wish me luck

karma?

do i believe in karma?

in a way, yes. But i believe that everything (including so-called karma) is being arranged by Allah, and only Him.

Watched a sad weekend drama just now, briefly an interesting story for mother's day mode, and has successfully made me stick to the TV for almost 2 hours. But the most important point is that this drama reveals scene that i have never watch from any other drama before.

It was about a mother who's being treated badly by his own son, after he married a rich and pretty lady. Daughter-in-law hates the old lady, and has always find ways to influence her hubby to hate his mother too. It was sad and cruel how they both treat her. But later in the scene, while the poor mother cried and pray, flashback bring us another scene while the poor mother was young. She had a sick and paralyse hubby, and she treated him badly.

Bad enuff that i'd say she deserve bad treatment from her children.

That is karma, at least for me.

arrgghh.. got to go, i'll update later!

wake up, wake up!

felt like i've been in sleeping mode this whole week. Little contribution during work, postponed my tax calculation and form submission, postponed our house's spring cleaning and all i did was lazying (is there such a word?) on the couch, watching my favourite series fashion house, house md, prison break, CSI :7 and grey's anatomy. Did not even bother to get myself some sweat to play around the house with ilhan and khairin.

somebody please wake me up. I have a lot to do before my due date arrive !

people (some of my frens) are either baking, or sewing, or decorating/redecorating house, or renovating house, or travelling, or taking god-knows-what licence (i.e diving, networking etc etc) and i am stagnant here.

I hate baking or sewing, so forget about that. Decorating/renovating house, well, i like that but with my level of creativity, i'll be needing lots of money and will not be sure about the result. Travelling - again with money constraint, plus my current physical condition.. well there goes. I'll be listing a lot of excuses and reasons for not doing anything.

i guess, i'll just stop whining. Just wake up, and move my lazy bum. Move!

When we grow old..

I was wondering today, what would happen to me when i grow old?
would i live old enough to be a senile old lady? or would i be a fine old lady with hubby, children and grandchilren, and being an obedient slave of Allah.

It triggered me today, to think of that, after Maksu and Mak called me to inform that my uncle (mak and maksu's eldest brother), is terribly sick.

He's physically sick after an accident, which need some operation on his legs and he's emotionally sick. He's been shouting and scolding his family (wife and kids) for no reasons. Mak said, looks like he's out of his mind. He's so mad to the extend that he divorce his wife. (But we all know that he's out of his mind, talak tak jatuh). Mak also said that she thinks her brother is in tense, he's been keeping all his worries with him.

Well, that is his fate. At least he has got Mak, Maksu, his wife, and daughter (and all his 10 other siblings) to take care of him, or at least they care about him. What about me? What will happen to me?

I'm not a good Muslim, nor a good person. I scold my daughters. I yell at them. I postponed my work. I seldom cook for hubby. I have bad bad records of life. What will happen to me?

what will happen to me?

masyitah & ilhan : progress !

Khairin Masyitah

yesterday was 17th april 2007, and masyitah is 1 year and 2 month. And yesterday mark a remarkable progress in her life. I can understand her few vocabulary. She can't speak a complete sentence, but anyhow, she speak out understandable words. Last night especially, she blurt out :

1. bom-bom - for lay down here, i have always told her to bom-bom


2. ayanngg bear - for 'sayanngg bear', and she'll kiss her teddy bear.


3. ayahhh - for her ayah of course


4. buuu - to call me 'ibu'


5. ba-bab ! - to indicate that she'll hit me like i always do to her - 'ba-bab nanti '


6. an -an - to shout to her sister ; ilhan


7. na-nakk - she want something, most probably milk or food.


8. meh meh - she request to come with her


9. pta pta pta - just her babling, she's happy !

not much of words, but i am impressed. She has not start to speak anything that can be understood by me or hubby last 2 weeks, but last night, she move one step up.. congrats my dear !

Ilhan Yasmin

she starts showing emotions, i notice that since early this month. But yesterday, she said a very emotional sentence, after i scold her.

She climb up the bed, lay beside me and say " ibu tak sayang kakak ke?"
and i was shocked, speechless.
"ibu sayang kakak, tapi lain kali jgn buat mcm tu lagi"
and i hugged her for affirmation.

She's been crying everytime i sent her to the babysitter, mostly because she wants to be with me. But on the other hand, i've always scold her, for her misbehaving. Pity her, for having such a mother. Ilhan, pls understand, i always love you, forgive me for not being such a sweet nice mother, because i have to. Else, you'd behave naughtily, which is not good.

Well, they've move on. Being a better somebody, being able to express emotion and at least communicate to me. Allah, please give me strength, to be able to guide them, and take care of them, at least until they can think and act wisely. Please Allah, i beg to You, please do not punish them for any of my sin/mistakes. And please Allah, shower them with your bless. Ameen.

dizzy and sleepy

a bit dizzy today, most probably due to my uncomfortable night sleep lately. It is quite difficult to be comfortable to sleep nowadays, with the big, growing and moving belly, and with the unbearable backache. And sleepy too, mostly during my email answering, data updating, and documents verification. Need a good nite sleep.

By the way, i've got what i want :
1. my new pregnancy wear, a long pants (with stretchy and comfy belly cover), and 2 piece of blouse, loose and nice.
2. I have also got myself a new loafer, Scholl's, so its so nice to fit in the shoes that i actually can walk faster than before, without backache afterwards.

And i should be reminded of what i should do once i got my bonus pay (which will be a lot than usual) :

1. clear all the credit - most importantly credit cards payment - bugging me!
2. save some for the maid payment
3. treat my staff with a nice lunch - they deserve it, they've been working with me!
4. treat my parents in a luxurious eating place - without them, i wouldn't be here.

Well, its 6.oo pm, i should pack and go home!

InTerMittent .. .. ..

Istiqamah (consistent) in doing something good is never my trait. I hate to admit it, and i hate the fact that i am not being istiqamah. I think the most contributing factor of me not being morally good is that i am always not consistent in doing good deeds.

I am not uneducated or 'jahil'. I am well aware of the difference between good and bad and I am well educated with ethics. I am just ignoring the fact that i must continously behave well.

In my terms, i call myself an intermittent girl.

Anyone should test me using any testing devices, run a BER on me, i shall give you uncounted errors, pattern slip maybe. Most probably my clocking signal is bad, so please do a sync test. Compare with an extremely good reference, rubidium or whatever but never refer me to the satellite clock, i'll fail. And don't forget to do it within 24 hrs. Intermittent can not be detected within a few hrs test, remember?

And to fix me, please take an input clock from the main source, the SSU or whatever they call it. And do not cascade it with others. I am greedy, and i might fail if u let me share with others. I shall always be monitored, so please connect me to an online monitoring system. But no, do not put a CCTV u silly! Connect me to a reliable alarm monitoring system, and ask someone to proactively monitor it. Shall there be any alarms, pls get anyone to fix it. Do not wait until you get a major alarm.

i am drifting away from whatever i shall say and plan to say. So, lets pen off, i am actually lost!

out of nowhere

I think love is a poison. A slow reacting one. Watched CSI (NY) over the weekend, on one sad episode of a beautiful young lady with cancer, being murdered for her appartment. She barely has 3-4 more month to live due to the cancer, yet she's being poisoned, slowly by a good neighbor, with arsenic. In small amount, arsenic was being added to her organic tea-bags, by the killer for almost 5 years. It took the arsenic 5 years to kill her (note : i've done no scientific research, this is according to those CSI guys in the series).

But love, love take more than that, the slowest reacting poison. Like any other poison, you'll feel affecting you more and more everyday. Love kills. And that's why no homo-sapiens are immortal; admit it or not, we're all in love, and we're all being murdered by love. Relate it with one of the Muslim's believe that good guys will always die first. Well, good guys are always loving guys. The more you're involved with love, the faster it kills you. It is an analogy to the arsenic, put more arsenic in your tea-bag, you'll die faster.

Being a logical person, a logical insight will always came pass me.

Love kills
but human must love
so to be on the safe side;
give the least of your love, and request the very least of love from others.
secret ingredient of long life...

Can we not pretend that we need lots of love? Or can we actually live longer with only a bit of love? As love is a poison, it is our heart's food. You'll die faster without love, than with love. Poison kills, but food keeps you alive, a week without food will turn a human to corpse.

Out of nowhere i feel like writing about this; whether love a weapon that kills you or makes you alive? The question pops up in mind, as i am very much hoping to be alive, and to live my life. I feel like i am dying, everyday, so to love or not to love?

the day?

Yesterday was woman's day. Not until one of the FM radio channel aired a morning talk of Woman's day, that i realize today's the day. Frankly, i do not know how people celebrate it, worse, i do not know what it is all about. What is it about actually?

Googled it, and found out that officially, 8th March of every year is pronounce as International Woman's Day. Supposed to be a day to connect all woman in the world and inspiring them to achieve their full potential. Well, a long history to get a day pronounced as woman's day, as it started out around 1900 in NY, when woman first fight for their rights (or maybe, first time noticed by the world fighting for their rights, as i am sure woman earlier than 1900 should have fought their right as well, individually). Officially being discussed during International Socialist convention in Copenhagen back in 1910, where a date was proposed to honour woman's right movement. And the fight for woman's day did continues until 1975 when it was finalized by United Nations (after claiming years of supports for IWD, tru conferences) and pronounce the 8th March as IWD.

And what they do on this day? it is a day when women's achievement are celebrated, and events are held to inspire all XX chromosome human. Its an honour to have a day dedicated to woman, but does that help in anyway? I have a good feeling that this day is celebrated only by those who feel that woman's right is violated. I don't. Thus there's no need to celebrate it.

Clearly, this day is to remind us that there were days when women were treated different from man, and whichever organisation who supports this day wanted women to believe that those old bad days are gone. True enough, women are being treated differently, not just before 1900, until now. But is that bad?

Well, i did not do my research, but as i watch movies and even read in books and magazine the it is not all bad. We are treated differently, because we are different from man. We are created by Almighty Allah to be women. The beauty of the world. We are not men, created as tougher and given lots of responsibilities. Why fight for the differences, when we are different?

I love being a woman. And i notice that man and woman are not the same, and i love the differences. If IWD is just a day to fight for an equality of both sexes, then i am happy that i do not celebrate it. It would be better, if we can celebrate a day, for woman, to be a true woman, and to be treated not equally as man, but treated as a woman, the beauty of the earth.

No title

i have no title for today's entry.
i am absolutely frustated today.

i have tried hard to wake up early in the morning and clean the house before going to work, and it works for like 3-4 days. I felt tired the 5th day, and end up waking up late, even late for work.
That feels bad, and ruins my mood the whole day.

good thing is : the quran reciting is still my daily routine, never skipped it since the day i promise myself to recite quran everyday. It is calming actually, to even hold the quran. The very time that i felt peaceful.

On lighter note, i really do not know how to arrange/re-arrange my house, specifically the kitchen to make it looks neat and clean. The house is loaded with stuffs, and we are not willing to throw away any. To make it worse, we do not have a proper cabinet system, in which we can stuff all our things inside, and make it invisible, yet we know it is there.

Another disadvantage of no proper cabinet is : khairin and ilhan has full access of all stuff, including the canned food. Currently, we put all our things on rack (cheap racks), which most of it has no cover. The kids will take out everything on the rack, daily, and mess around with it.
And i have to re-arrange them back, after they're done with it.

but anyway, a proper cabinet system would cost us another few thousands, so i might as well forget about it.

friends

i have many of them, or shall i rephrase it : i used to have many of them, since i don't think i can recall more than 15 of my friend's phone number. And that is so not me.

I used to live in a house pack of 12 mates, and around the house were where all my other friends stay, we were neighbours, by walking distance.

Back during my secondary education time, i stayed in hostel, pack of girls and boys, and we're friends, close friends who recognize one's teethbrush and pail.

And i still can remember my younger times, during my years in hometown, friends are people i can not live without. They're my playmate, my tuition mate, and they occasionally will bring ration to school/sports training session to share.

Those are the times when i have no penny at all, except for some daily pocket money (usually 50cent per day) from my parents for the morning break or breakfast. And those are the times when my friends and i wore the same type of cloth, use the same type of book and bags, regardless of our parent's salary. And those are the time when we share our money for outings, or even for lepaking at kedai mamak.

No one bothers to draw a territory line between two friends.

my god i need friends !

All those are tests

We're being tested this month. With lots of thing to manage and think of. These are the few that i have to share, or else my head will explode.

But anyway, we're still very alive and normal. So, i guess, we manage our tests and pass it. And thank Allah for always be there and reminding us that we're His servant.

Demam campak
----------------
Ilhan first got it.. 'demam campak' ! she's not happy about the rashes and itchiness, but she's ok, she can still enjoy her play time and sleep soundly except for the first night infection.

Then the virus infect khairin. At first, she seemed ok. Mild fever, 2 vomitting session and diarrhea, but her rashes were all small. And i took for granted. I went to KL for a workshop, leaving them with the babysitter, thinking that the infection would not be any severe.

Bad news on my arrival to penang. Khairin's back is horribly 'mengelupas'. Pity her, the rashes turned to 'kudis'. And sometimes, it bleeds. Alhamdulillah, she's a strong girl. She cries, but she did not 'merengek'. And lucky her for having Ilhan as sister, Ilhan played with her, so she can forget the pain.

That contributes to my 2 days urgent leave. And my 2 days of work will be loaded tomorrow...

The pregnancy pain
---------------------
I have never feel this pain during the first two pregnancy. All the 3 trimesters are ok, even though not comfortable. But this time around, the pain is unbearable. It is only my 4th month, but i feel difficult to walk. At first, i thought its the shoe, or maybe my fast walking pace, but shoes changed and i walked slowly now, i still find it difficult to lift my leg and walk straight without pain.

In addition to that, i also face sleeping problem. I find it hard to get a good sleeping position, let alone to have a good 6 hr sleep. I woke up at least 3 times every night, and laying down is painful.

The financial planning
----------------------
We haven't discuss it seriously yet. Maybe because hubby knows it is going to be a headache. But with the baby coming, we need to do the planning. We're still maid hunting, eventhough now there are other options, like the old babysitter is willing to take care all of them (which of course will cost us a lot more than hiring a maid, but at least we know our babysitter is an expert of babies and kids, and she would not run away), and sending ilhan to kindy.

Afterall, the cost would increase. But at least, with planning we'll see options, and ways to manage the increasing cost.

the very 1st year

this sunday would be Khairin's 1st birthday. We will most probably celebrate it in Kelantan. I don't mind the location, as long as it should be a memorable and happy day for Khairin.

For me, birthday is a day when u must celebrate joyfully. And it is not merely a blind celebration, it is a celebration to remind us how a year has past, yet we're still blessed by Allah. It is a day when one need to rewind what has been done in the past one year and what has been gained. A year older don't just mean a number plus one, it is an indication of experience we should gain and knowledge we should learn. It's not just a day to eat cake, it is a lot more.

So basically, when anyone implies that birthday is not worth celebrating, i would strongly be against that. How would you measure your years of life, when you don't stop to ponder on one good day ? And surely it is a big blessing from Allah, to give us a full one year of life !! Does that sound anything worth celebrating?

Hubby always ignore birthdays. His reason is always that he is not use to celebrate birthday. But this year, this time, I am going to make sure that he'll understand the need and the importance of celebrating Khairin's birthday. It's her first year, it is her year of learning to walk, to smile, to see the world in colors, to recognize me, hubby and kakak, to have 2 set of teeth, etc. The least we can do is to up hold our hand, and say thank you to Almighty Allah.

the mandarin orange

So it's mandarin oranges !! it taste sweet-sour-juicy.. i like it so much that i can eat the whole box of 32 oranges in 3 days.. (forget about the acidity whatsoever).

That just described my condition :

• sweet : of course, i always am. anyway pregnant ladies are the sweetest women on earth.
  
• sour : i'm in a financial crisis (that bad huh?) state. i don't know about others, but thinking about debts made me scared.
  
• juicy : don't know exactly how to create an analogy between juicy and my life, but the kids has always be my juice of life!

by the way, we've been thinking on hiring a maid to help us with the kids and housework. But with the upcoming baby, they'll be 3 of them, and we do not think maid can deal with that. Unless she's a pro. But getting a good maid depend on your luck some say. So, the decision is not finalize yet.

And we'll be going to hubby's kampung this weekend, and spending CNY there. Most probably, Kelantan would not celebrate CNY, but we'll still be getting mandarin orange there, or maybe siamese orange. Khairin Masyitah's birthday will be celebrated in Kelantan. I really hope this would be a celebration, it is her 1st birthday. It is important.

Will jot down on my humble request to celebrate her birthday joyfully, no matter where, later.

For now, maid hunting !!

Loads of headache

Image from : http://www.cartoonstock.com/lowres/rte0252l.jpg






Ache in the head, but unfeel physically. Due to my bad habit of delaying/postponing my works, I suffer a great 'logical' headache. Tones and tones of unfinished work are now loaded in front of me, (yet i still have got time to blog !?), i feel the need to just abandoned some of it.



Some said, do not avoid work, face it one by one. You'll know how good it feel to complete a long delayed work. I have now a log book of tasks i should do. I am not a big fan of manual records, but neither do i prefer the so-called automated records. Maybe i just hate recording. But the importance of records are undeniable. Especially when i need a checklist on what should i do next, whats important or urgent now, and better, with records i can track back my old tasks.



So, there goes. A good start i believe. The logbook was a simple reminder to what i shall do, what's still pending. When i met staff or my superior, at least i would not write everything inside my head like i used to do. I can feel the difference after a week of using it. I feel alert. Well, hope it continues, so i would not be a last minute person again.



Can't continue with this, since i have an important task to do. (see the impact ?)

after deleting the previos draft post

I have just deleted my previous post. It does not sound me... hmm at least it does not sound the way i want to potray myself. I was in anger mode. Anger made me evil. I don't want to read a post when i can be reminded of how evil i can get.

Anyway, i've just went for my routine checkup yesterday. It was a normal routine check up except for when the gynae found out that my skin is drying and needs extra-aqua typed cream, and of course i need to drink a lot. Due to the dryness, my skin irritates badly. The gynae suggest it could be due to pregnancy since no one else in the house were affected. I've tried washing my skin over and over using dettol soap, no effect. I guess she's correct, it's not fungal, its just dryness and the pregnancy thing.

Well that went ok. The best part is, when i insist on knowing the baby's gender. Well, this is my 3rd pregnancy and i am done with the surprises. I need to know. She was tracing hardly, with the ultrasound machine, zooming in and out, and taking her time measuring all neccessary measurement on my baby. She wipe my tummy twice with the jelly, and zoomed in again. She said " well, i guess XY, see the bone there, something is in between there." Honestly, i do not know what's XY is. But by the way she's talking it should be a boy! Hubby went and say,
"So, XY ?",
"Yes" the gynae replied.
"It's a boy" hubby said,
he's a medical grad drop-out, he's slightly smarter than me so he knows what's XY is. I just can't stop smiling. I've been waiting for a boy. And not that i'll be sad if it turns out to be a girl, maybe gynae mistakenly predict it. But this is already a good news to me.

Just hope that Dr Teh (by the way the gynae's name is Dr Teh), is correct. And Allah has granted me a boy. I am so thankful for that.

He's already kicking now, actively , so i can start my plan for him. The blue bedsheet, and pillow cover.... na na na na.. i am happy. Thank you Allah.

on the fence - no one's side !

image uploaded from http://desma.smugmug.com

it works! all i need to do to avoid uncomfortable argument with hubby is just a humble silent. Whenever hubby raise his voice for any reason i just have to :

1. listen to whatever he said,
2. nodded and say "hmmm.."
3. do not react or give any feedback unless requested
4. a big no no for backfiring him
5. reply questions with smiles and never ever 'mengungkit'
6. lower my voice.
   

there are no reason to make him mad, i found out that men are sensitive creature. When they feel sad and angry, they'll never speak of that to the wife. And wife, you have to understand their gestures, and avoid anything that would possibly trigger the already loaded gun. They're so sensitive that you can't even ask why or what's with the long face. Really, they're not mad at you, and they do not loose interest on you, it is just something else, something in the office maybe, but sensitivity has swore them not to share it, and to only unload the anger when triggered by any other unrelated and insignificant tiny issues.

well, that is something unacceptable a few years back when i first entitled as wife. But true enough what wise people said, you learn most from experiences. I begin to accept that men are men, and are martian (from Mars !!) to us women. They react and think differently, and comparing men to women for me is like comparing roti canai to fruit salad! two very different dishes !

Still, no offence but men are sensitive creatures.. :) They just hide it under their big chest.

two and a quarter

Those two refers to who else : Ilhan Yasmin and Khairin Masyitah.

And the quarter refers to somebody tiny inside me (always hoping and eager to call 'he' ! ).

Ilhan will be 3 this year. But she's a small framed girl. She looks like a 1 and a half year baby. She starts walking when she was 9 1/2 month, and since then she loose her appetite in food. She looooooovees to play, run, jump, 'berkube' (quoting hubby), swims (not swim lah.. she love to play with water.. suka anything about the water). When it is lunch/dinner time, she would only swallow 5-6 spoons. And she'd goes , "kakak dah kenyang..", will start with her activities back. She'll return back to the kitchen half an hour later, asking for bread or ice cream or cookies... She can 'draw' now. She'll draw a big round, and fill it with colours.. "bulat! " she said. She use to love reading, but with the limitation of books that i've bought for her, she prefers the newspaper, which will then turned to sampah.. Ilhan has been sleeping in her own room since we have Khairin Masyitah around. We put a single bed in her room, with lots and lots of cartoons sticker to make to room looks like kindergarden, with striking green curtain and pink comforter for her. She has never fall down from the bed, despite the very cautious concern from her tuk ma. Ilhan will wake up when i do my subuh prayer, to ask for milk; she sleep so soundly that she won't wake up at night. This year i hope she can be free from the diapers, so let's start with toilet training !

Khairin Masyitah however is a plump baby ! She looooves to eat, she would come to anyone with food. I enjoy cooking for her, as she'll finish up the whole plate of 'bubur nasi' and a cup of plain water at every lunch/dinner time. Masyitah started to walked when she was 10 month old. She's a healthy 11 months baby who can almost run and jump now. Funny when she could not squeez in a shirt bought my her tuk ma, but when we put it on to her kakak, it fits her right ! Masyitah is a quite girl, compared to her sister, but she has eyes on things. She would quietly went to the DVD cabinet and messed up all the DVDs, the other day while we watched tv she took out all my kitchen plastic ware. We have always thought of putting her on diet, but when we think about it again, well, as long as she's healthy and happy let her eat. And she has already got her first 2 teeth, so she can at least chew a bit now !

The other quarter is still very tiny. I always hope that i'll call him 'he'. I do not want to decide a name yet, its too early but i will find a boy's name. I am ok if Allah grant me with another girl, they'd make a crowd and can always have a shoulder to cry on. I just would be very much delighted if Allah gives me a boy. I feel complete. I always find that i am carrying a boy, or maybe because i hope so much to get a boy. I feel healthy, less nausea, less backpain, and less interest in buying and dressing up. Please let it be a boy. :)

Wait till July. They'll be 3 !!!

An anniversary to remember.

Happy 3rd anniversary. I wed him last 3 years, on 16th January 2004.
I am still married to him and am happy about it.

Wrote something for him, but on second thought i keep that with me instead.
Anyway, by any case hubby dear is reading this, this is what i supposed to slip in to your organizer on our anniversary :

" Most people say, the best thing in the world is love. Well i agreed and couldn't disagree on that. Love has actually live up the world, give sanity and empathy to us. Imagine the world without love.. sigh. I have lived 3 years with you, and truly, it has been an inspiring one; and exciting too. I can not imagine a happier life with anyone else. Your love has put me in the must suitable place i should be; with you. I have learned a lot through the 3 years and I am looking forward for the upcoming years.

Sorry that this is all I have for you during our 3rd anniversary, believe me i would do much. But i thought letting out and making you know how much you mean to me would be the best thing to do. However uninterested you get to read this, i have to let you know that you really mean a lot to me. I need you , and i need your love.

We have went through our good and bad days, and I have loved you long enough to know that you'll never reveal how much you love me. No romantic dinner, birthday surprises, sweet words would ever come from you. But the way you have take care of us, reminds me that not everyone is a hopeless romantic guy. This is just your way of telling me that you love me. And for me, this is true love. I am thankful that Allah has grant me quite a husband.

Love. "

i believe

I always believe in God, The Almighty Allah,
but i did not fulfil my responsibility as His slave. I'm terribly scared of His ultimate power, His burning hell, and His promise to bad-doers, but I never stop doing sins. As if i know when i'll die, and as if i can always be prepared with millions of good deeds to cover up my sins when the time comes. I believe in the death angel, i know they existed and they have never missed a job. And i know their list is top confidential, but i always pretend that i will be at the bottom of the list.

Long have i remembered, those time when i am terribly afraid of the Allah's punishment, i cried until i can't sleep. Those were time when i woke up at 3.00 am and do my late night prayer. And those were time when i was only 14-16. I can't even manage my own money not even my own clothing, but I'm sure scared of something very true. My path was right.

What had happened? I am a married mom of 2, 27 years of age. I earn my money, own a car a house, manage 2 offices, but when i missed a prayer, i did not feel as guilty as before. Am i a believer now? I confess that i still believe in Allah, and all the things that He could do. How come i grow up to be such an arrogant servant of Him?

I believe in marriage.
I did get married, to a fine young man. And i always believe that the essence of happy marriage is good communication, being tolerate and patient, sharing... Look at me when we had a fight over something very minimal, say doing the laundry. I am all mad, as if doing the laundry might kill me. And i nag, half-conciously with words that stab anyone's heart. I never communicate in the right manner to hubby. How is that supposed to happen when i believe differently?

I need not just to learn how to believe.
I need to learn how to practice my believe.
I am a blank believer, let's that be in 2007 resolution.
To practice what i believe.

a feel to let out

this is my second post in a day, which is so unlike me. I hardly published one post within a week.
But today i feel like writing to let out.

I need a break. I do not know if i deserve a long long luxurious holiday, but i just need it. If there's a santa, i'll told him that i've been bad, maybe i do not deserve a rest from home/kids routine. But who cares ? i need it.

I felt pain in every inch of my body. I always feel dizzy and sleepy, as if i need a whole day of sleep. Does it sounds like any fatal desease's symptom? (well hopefully not). This sickness is just due to my pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, i accept the fact that i'm pregnant, i just whine because i feel sick.

I did not get enough rest. My pregnant friends get to sleep at 10.00 pm, get rest while dear hubby take care of the other kids, and hmmm.. i have to sleep at 11.00 pm , and that is considered a lucky day. Some other days, i get to lay on my back at 12.00 am, after a hard day of carrying both daughters, when most pregnant ladies can't even carry their notebook bag (it is believed that during pregnancy, u must avoid carrying heavy things for your health)

I may sound complaining, but believe me, i just need to let it go. I am tired. I feel like crying.
Even writing this entry made my back ache.

I never believe in Santa. Thus, i shall request from Allah. Allah, i am tired, and it affects my spouse. Please Allah, give strength to me, as i always believe that You will never test if i am not capable of this.

**relieved that i let it out..

to change or not ?

change is hard for me. I like people who changed for good, but i find it very much difficult to change. My excuses are simple,

1. i love the way i do things, eventhough in a lousy way
2. it is difficult to change to something good
3. once i feel comfortable on something, i'll cling to it.

Really, this post is just about my decision, on whether to change my job, or move out from Penang, or just stay on my old job in my old house.

I love the way i live here, and i do feel very comfortable with my current life, it is just that, IT HAS BEEN 4 LONG YEARS. I need change eventhough i hate changes.

All my self-argument are unconcluded : " Life has been good, yes. But life can be better, well it can also be worse with change..", "How about hubby? - he'll follow along, well, will he?" , "Those babies ?, they'll get along with new place and all- hmm what if they're going tantrum over everything? .."
sounded lame and stupid, but truly i did thought of all that.

Deep down, i do need change. Thus from today onwards, i'll pray and never stop praying that Allah will then show me a path to choose so i can move on from here.

Ameen.