acilut!

i got my kids sent back to kampung.
both of them;
the eldest to Kelantan and the other one will be picked up by my Mak and Ayah today.
leaving me, hubby, maid and Ammar home.

well, call be an opportunist, but this is my very good chance to acilut with hubby !
hahah.. acilut ?
my plan :

1. watch one good movie - i'm thinking of The Day the earth stood still, best ke anyway?
2. hiking - alah, yg rendah2 je, bukit jambul maybe
3. window shopping - i've been longing to do this, nak shop fulus kureng.

we'll be free until 24th Dec only, considering the old habit of my workplace (year end busy-ness that is),

finding the right education

the way i see it, my kids should get the best education i can afford to give them.

i don't care about how many subjects the school offers,
i wanted a learning journey for my kids,

I don't care that much if she can't fill in the blanks with correct answer,
i want her to think of thousand ways to fill in the blanks.

i don't mind the bad spelling, she's 4 anyway,
i want her to love words, understand it and use it.

and don't call her slow when she can't read,
everyone has their own pace of learning.
besides, what good would it be if she knows how to read,
but don't read when she's off school?
i want her to love reading, as the Quran says, Iqra'..

i don't want her to be resticted with homework,
during my time, i have lots of it,
and i hate it.
Of course it helps me to score,
look at me, i'm stuck with the same job in the office,
while those who did not score, happily owns a business..
I want her to understand and love knowledge,
homework might help,
but not daily, she's 4 anyway!

I don't want her to only have one group of friends,
the english-spoken, the highly-paid-parents, the all-malay, the religious-parents,
the all-chinese, the all-indian,
heck i don't care, i want her to have all type of friends, name it.
most importantly, i don't want her to be scared to be friend with anybody,
did Islam forbid us from making friends with everybody?
Don't think so..

sigh,
hope there'll be light that shine us, and at least enlighten us that children are children,
they just wanna have fun!

ku seru namamu, kekasihku.

seram. Itu yang saya dapat gambarkan sewaktu menonton drama berepisod : Kekasihku Seru.
Well, i'm not going to elaborate on the series, it's just that, this drama catched my attention big time!

maybe i'm too much into mira mustapha and khabir bhatia but most of us agreed that they produce good movies/drama.

or maybe because i've real life story about Saka.. maybe?

a message so true

i have never agree with chained message sent by anyone (of course the religion unrelated ones). But this, has touched me. And i realize, only straight to the point words can wake me up..

Image from : http://www.cartoonstock.com/newscartoons/cartoonists/efi/lowres/efin678l.jpg

A Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

George Carlin

ramadhan al mubarak

yes indeed. (For reference; mubarak means : blessed) Ramadhan indeed is a blessed month. With showers of pahala, and devils being prisoned.

me, i missed my subuh this morning. I woke up for sahur, while waiting for the subuh's adzan, laid down on the couch, and pufff - i felt asleep until 8am. Not even manage to get in time for the office.

so i'm depressed today.

e = mc2

never mind the title, couldn't bother much to find ways to put it into superscript.

i am a mean mother, and i've described it before. I am still a bad mother. Nothing really change, despite the holy ramadhan. I believe most of it is in me, not the devil (they're not around in ramadhan, remember?).

not to further discuss how mean i am, i now need to focus on ways to change and be a sweet good mother. Let's begin with why i am mean ?

1. i am angry - 60%
2. i am lazy, taking care of babies needs detail attention and hardwork. - 20%
3. patience - nope, i always lose my temper - 20%

so, mathematically; i am an angry person. Why ?

1. i dunno - the fact that i'm less perfect than everybody maybe? - 70%
2. it's hereditary - is it? - 5%
3. i'm a human - logic? - 5%
4. i like to win, to be the best, so not being one makes me arggghhh - 20%
   

so, i guess, i'm just angry with myself. 70% of me is angry because i am not everyone else. Deep down i know everybody's not perfect, but 'rumput dirumah sebelah selalunya lagi hijau'. It's natural. Brain and heart did not talk the same language.

Its good to channel those angry energy into some other good energy. How to?

• Quran - its the best solution. I'll try reading Quran daily.
• Accepting that whatever i have now is more than perfect - that'll be difficult. But i need to grow up.
• Believe that we're human, and we're designed to be imperfect, so that we have rooms for improvement.
• Believe that there's Allah - He knows what he's doing. And whatever it is, its the most suitable one for u.

May Allah be with me.

what i want

the list of things i want has never been complete, and the things i want are not even fancy, weird or special. Nevertheless, there's a very high chance of me not getting any from the list.
I will either bought one with different brand, go for different type with the same purpose, or even forget about it.

I am scared to spend anything for myself, and am easily turn-off during shopping for many reasons. I can be turn-off for price, hubby's need to buy cloth, shoes, etc, my kids' need to buy clothes, shoes, bags, etc, and even when hubby's making long face during my shopping.

Check my wardrobe, i only have

1 new baju kurung, which i bought at RM60 last May for my sis's wedding.
1 new bluse (RM 39) bought last June, for myself.
2 new pairs of trousers - bought it because i need it for sports carnival
the rest are old things, old means, i bought it in January or before that.

I only change my curtain once, within our 5 year of marriage and having our own home. We never bought ourself a good set of china for special guest, no good bedspread for special occasion, no fancy furniture like everyone. I just don't do all that.

I always have this in mind : spend less, u'll need it for the kids education. But i am in denial, actually i cried my heart out that i need to spend for myself, but that words just don't come out from my mouth. I am lame boring person with old bad habit from my ancestors (org melayu lah..).

Well, for a start, i list down things i want :

• one pair of good jeans (i never buy a jeans that cost me more than RM60, never, so i want one, levis maybe..)
• one good blouse/shirt, for work.
• one pair good shoes (shoes, not sandals).

that's about it. Maybe i should start saving money for these.

I talk crap, sigh.

analogi

permata yg malap,
tak nampak warnanya,
tak indah sinarnya.
disorot lampu suluh baru bercahaya,

permata tetap permata,
batu yang sama,
warna yg sama,
kalau delima tetap delima,
kalau berlian tetap berlian,
malap atau tidak,permata tetap permata.

cuma yang malap harganya kurang,
yang berkilau nilainya tinggi,
menjadi pilihan datin seri.

bukan mudah menggilap permata,
kerjanya seni, halus dan teliti.

bukan mudah membentuk hati..

My way, not milky way

There are days, when the moon did not put on her dark blanket.
And we could see her naked,
Full moon they called her.

We gaze in awe and praise her beauty,
as she's the brightest one in the night sky.
And stars glitters around her as her accessories.

And there are days when she pull her dark blanket,
covering her whole self,
And we sleep with the dark sky,
feeling gloom, without knowing why.

Oh, there are days when I feel flying,
and i strip all my feelings,
being the brightest object of all,
with glittering accessories,

how i wish everyday is that day.

but the gloomy day will come,
unalarmed, and without warning,
worst, it will haunt me the whole day..

what shall i do then?
my way : wait for the sun to shine,
everything will be fine then.

bad bad mother

her mouth bleed, and that was after i slapped her,
it was 23:00 hrs, in our home,
she was crying and yelling with high pitch,
i was in the bathroom, and of course the maid and father wouldn't care much.

they don't, so the 4 years old yell as loud as she could,
she had a fight with her 2 y/o sister, over pencil colors,


and nobody care to stop her yelling,
with my unfinished business in the toilet and tummy ache,
of course my temperature is quite high,
i went straight to her, and slapped her, right at her mouth.
she bleeds.



the maid has already went to bed,
the father was so busy with his work, and he didn't care.
which raised up my temperature even more.


i dragged (i literally did), both of them into their room,
switched off the lights and locked them up.
they cried.
the father still didn't bother to even look at them.

mad and depressed, i chose to wait.
after a few minutes, their cry did not stop
i couldn't stand it anymore.


so i went to their bedroom, lay them properly,
talk to them about sharing, and hope so much that they would understand,
talk to them about yelling, fighting..
and asked them to sleep.

Please Allah, stop me from being bad...

wowee hungry!!

its late night, i am hungry. Consuming another dish and i'll be bloated.
instead, let's feed my eyes..

1) our breakfast, the bread are homemade ! (by atiqah lah of course)

Bread, and cucur ikan bilis.

I made good coffee.. Trylah! Kopi Che Nah

2) Our lunch -

Masak Lemak Ikan Masih & Nenas (salty fish with pineapple in coconut milk & tumeric )

The delicious (at least for me) brinjal with chillies (sambal).
And the secret was udang kering!

Daun ape tah i forgot, but it taste nice

Ikan merah (red snapper) marinated with garlic and salt, deep fried.

Supalicious!

Ah.. the cucur udang..

bad debts

i owe myself a lot. And one of it, is to post my kids' pic in here. A long awaited post. So here goes.

Ilhan

Masyitah

Ammar Rayyan

All of them!!

the nanny has to go abroad again,
when she went abroad, the prince and princess has to hide in the royal orchard,
where the fruits are so sweet, they even forget that they are away,
and the barn is so cosy, they don't have to play out in the sun.

But the eldest princess has to stay,
to safeguard the king and queen,
so they will never feel alone, afterall they could not feel alone,
long ago, a witch came down with her broom, cursing them with chaotic life.

pity the eldest princess,
she cried all day, missing her playmates..

the magic of thali

magical is harry potter and his ability to apparate,
and the daily prophet read by mudblood,
magical is also wife and her ability to forgive,
and husbands and his ability to forget.


it is magic when things dissapear and reappear,
so, when love keeps loosing and coming,
is it magic too?

indians would say,
its the magic of thali,
is it?
i learned that love is something that binds people, forever
not in chipsmore mode.
but i guess, that's a fairytale-bedtime-story, happily ever after.

love do fade away,
and after a while, your heart is burning back with hot love.
is it magic?
or is it just me?

no its not,
its just love.
love fade away, so that there are space to find love back.
so let it be.
it does not apply to u?
call the Hogwarts, ask for Prof Snape.

the gemini in me

i'm happy but i'm sad
when i find a fork, i'll either stuck in the road, or find myself lost.
i have no where to go, yet, i browse the airline to find cheap tickets.

i'm focus, but i'm blurred.
it's like having a GPS without getting connected.
it's like running to an end, without drawing a path.
i saw the end, but did'nt know how to get there.
so i gamble.

i'm excited, but i'm tired.
when i look up and see a star, i jump
once, and that's it.
so i conclude that stars are impossible to reach.
and tomorrow i saw everybody own a star in their pocket.

i cry but i smile,
but not that happy cry.
and not that smirky smile.

a price to pay

i googled him. For no reason.
He's my soulmate, he is. We're somehow connected.
But that was almost 5 years ago.
And we are over each other.
The irony of being connected; we're in total disconnection.



To make me comfortable, I do not want to mention hubby here, particularly in this entry.
I love hubby, no matter what. So, this entry is off the record.


we were in love. or at least, i love 'him'.
so in love that i hate to be in love after he left me. (or straight up: he dumped me!)
he's not my first love, nor my first heartbreak.
But he left an unheal wound to my not so fragile heart.
no one did that, and till today no one can do this to me.


i am over him. and now i can accept the fact that we're not fated to be together.
but love is love, it hurts.
And it is not a mere softcopy document; delete it from the hard drive,
and delete it from the trashbin !

The memories of him is still here, some missing coordinate in the furthest portion of my heart.
Just the memories.

After all it was a sweet memories.

And back to the part where i googled him.
unfortunately, i found him.
and very unfortunate; with his latest picture.
luckily, he is smiling with a son in his hand and wife by his side.
and oh yes, i am a stalker.


honestly, i felt lucky; that i found his family's pic.
Allah has shown me that He hold the ultimate power.
(Who could imagine what i can do with a photo and a complete email & phone num ??)
they look happy, at least i must admit the son's happy eyes.

In a very weird way, Allah tells me that we're on our own path now,
and He has design our path that suits us most, that will lead us to love Him,
the ultimate love that we should abide.

Allah knows my limit, He designed weigh that i can bear, height that i can jump to,
Alhamdulillah.

It hurts, yes. But, that's the price i shall pay for being a human. For being in love, and dumped.
For gaining experiences..an invaluable one.

So, let's go back home, kiss my kids and pour them the love i should have pour.
Hug my hubby tightly, so he'll know, no matter what,
I love my husband.