i believe

I always believe in God, The Almighty Allah,
but i did not fulfil my responsibility as His slave. I'm terribly scared of His ultimate power, His burning hell, and His promise to bad-doers, but I never stop doing sins. As if i know when i'll die, and as if i can always be prepared with millions of good deeds to cover up my sins when the time comes. I believe in the death angel, i know they existed and they have never missed a job. And i know their list is top confidential, but i always pretend that i will be at the bottom of the list.

Long have i remembered, those time when i am terribly afraid of the Allah's punishment, i cried until i can't sleep. Those were time when i woke up at 3.00 am and do my late night prayer. And those were time when i was only 14-16. I can't even manage my own money not even my own clothing, but I'm sure scared of something very true. My path was right.

What had happened? I am a married mom of 2, 27 years of age. I earn my money, own a car a house, manage 2 offices, but when i missed a prayer, i did not feel as guilty as before. Am i a believer now? I confess that i still believe in Allah, and all the things that He could do. How come i grow up to be such an arrogant servant of Him?

I believe in marriage.
I did get married, to a fine young man. And i always believe that the essence of happy marriage is good communication, being tolerate and patient, sharing... Look at me when we had a fight over something very minimal, say doing the laundry. I am all mad, as if doing the laundry might kill me. And i nag, half-conciously with words that stab anyone's heart. I never communicate in the right manner to hubby. How is that supposed to happen when i believe differently?

I need not just to learn how to believe.
I need to learn how to practice my believe.
I am a blank believer, let's that be in 2007 resolution.
To practice what i believe.