wake up, wake up!

felt like i've been in sleeping mode this whole week. Little contribution during work, postponed my tax calculation and form submission, postponed our house's spring cleaning and all i did was lazying (is there such a word?) on the couch, watching my favourite series fashion house, house md, prison break, CSI :7 and grey's anatomy. Did not even bother to get myself some sweat to play around the house with ilhan and khairin.

somebody please wake me up. I have a lot to do before my due date arrive !

people (some of my frens) are either baking, or sewing, or decorating/redecorating house, or renovating house, or travelling, or taking god-knows-what licence (i.e diving, networking etc etc) and i am stagnant here.

I hate baking or sewing, so forget about that. Decorating/renovating house, well, i like that but with my level of creativity, i'll be needing lots of money and will not be sure about the result. Travelling - again with money constraint, plus my current physical condition.. well there goes. I'll be listing a lot of excuses and reasons for not doing anything.

i guess, i'll just stop whining. Just wake up, and move my lazy bum. Move!

When we grow old..

I was wondering today, what would happen to me when i grow old?
would i live old enough to be a senile old lady? or would i be a fine old lady with hubby, children and grandchilren, and being an obedient slave of Allah.

It triggered me today, to think of that, after Maksu and Mak called me to inform that my uncle (mak and maksu's eldest brother), is terribly sick.

He's physically sick after an accident, which need some operation on his legs and he's emotionally sick. He's been shouting and scolding his family (wife and kids) for no reasons. Mak said, looks like he's out of his mind. He's so mad to the extend that he divorce his wife. (But we all know that he's out of his mind, talak tak jatuh). Mak also said that she thinks her brother is in tense, he's been keeping all his worries with him.

Well, that is his fate. At least he has got Mak, Maksu, his wife, and daughter (and all his 10 other siblings) to take care of him, or at least they care about him. What about me? What will happen to me?

I'm not a good Muslim, nor a good person. I scold my daughters. I yell at them. I postponed my work. I seldom cook for hubby. I have bad bad records of life. What will happen to me?

what will happen to me?

masyitah & ilhan : progress !

Khairin Masyitah

yesterday was 17th april 2007, and masyitah is 1 year and 2 month. And yesterday mark a remarkable progress in her life. I can understand her few vocabulary. She can't speak a complete sentence, but anyhow, she speak out understandable words. Last night especially, she blurt out :

1. bom-bom - for lay down here, i have always told her to bom-bom


2. ayanngg bear - for 'sayanngg bear', and she'll kiss her teddy bear.


3. ayahhh - for her ayah of course


4. buuu - to call me 'ibu'


5. ba-bab ! - to indicate that she'll hit me like i always do to her - 'ba-bab nanti '


6. an -an - to shout to her sister ; ilhan


7. na-nakk - she want something, most probably milk or food.


8. meh meh - she request to come with her


9. pta pta pta - just her babling, she's happy !

not much of words, but i am impressed. She has not start to speak anything that can be understood by me or hubby last 2 weeks, but last night, she move one step up.. congrats my dear !

Ilhan Yasmin

she starts showing emotions, i notice that since early this month. But yesterday, she said a very emotional sentence, after i scold her.

She climb up the bed, lay beside me and say " ibu tak sayang kakak ke?"
and i was shocked, speechless.
"ibu sayang kakak, tapi lain kali jgn buat mcm tu lagi"
and i hugged her for affirmation.

She's been crying everytime i sent her to the babysitter, mostly because she wants to be with me. But on the other hand, i've always scold her, for her misbehaving. Pity her, for having such a mother. Ilhan, pls understand, i always love you, forgive me for not being such a sweet nice mother, because i have to. Else, you'd behave naughtily, which is not good.

Well, they've move on. Being a better somebody, being able to express emotion and at least communicate to me. Allah, please give me strength, to be able to guide them, and take care of them, at least until they can think and act wisely. Please Allah, i beg to You, please do not punish them for any of my sin/mistakes. And please Allah, shower them with your bless. Ameen.

dizzy and sleepy

a bit dizzy today, most probably due to my uncomfortable night sleep lately. It is quite difficult to be comfortable to sleep nowadays, with the big, growing and moving belly, and with the unbearable backache. And sleepy too, mostly during my email answering, data updating, and documents verification. Need a good nite sleep.

By the way, i've got what i want :
1. my new pregnancy wear, a long pants (with stretchy and comfy belly cover), and 2 piece of blouse, loose and nice.
2. I have also got myself a new loafer, Scholl's, so its so nice to fit in the shoes that i actually can walk faster than before, without backache afterwards.

And i should be reminded of what i should do once i got my bonus pay (which will be a lot than usual) :

1. clear all the credit - most importantly credit cards payment - bugging me!
2. save some for the maid payment
3. treat my staff with a nice lunch - they deserve it, they've been working with me!
4. treat my parents in a luxurious eating place - without them, i wouldn't be here.

Well, its 6.oo pm, i should pack and go home!

InTerMittent .. .. ..

Istiqamah (consistent) in doing something good is never my trait. I hate to admit it, and i hate the fact that i am not being istiqamah. I think the most contributing factor of me not being morally good is that i am always not consistent in doing good deeds.

I am not uneducated or 'jahil'. I am well aware of the difference between good and bad and I am well educated with ethics. I am just ignoring the fact that i must continously behave well.

In my terms, i call myself an intermittent girl.

Anyone should test me using any testing devices, run a BER on me, i shall give you uncounted errors, pattern slip maybe. Most probably my clocking signal is bad, so please do a sync test. Compare with an extremely good reference, rubidium or whatever but never refer me to the satellite clock, i'll fail. And don't forget to do it within 24 hrs. Intermittent can not be detected within a few hrs test, remember?

And to fix me, please take an input clock from the main source, the SSU or whatever they call it. And do not cascade it with others. I am greedy, and i might fail if u let me share with others. I shall always be monitored, so please connect me to an online monitoring system. But no, do not put a CCTV u silly! Connect me to a reliable alarm monitoring system, and ask someone to proactively monitor it. Shall there be any alarms, pls get anyone to fix it. Do not wait until you get a major alarm.

i am drifting away from whatever i shall say and plan to say. So, lets pen off, i am actually lost!

out of nowhere

I think love is a poison. A slow reacting one. Watched CSI (NY) over the weekend, on one sad episode of a beautiful young lady with cancer, being murdered for her appartment. She barely has 3-4 more month to live due to the cancer, yet she's being poisoned, slowly by a good neighbor, with arsenic. In small amount, arsenic was being added to her organic tea-bags, by the killer for almost 5 years. It took the arsenic 5 years to kill her (note : i've done no scientific research, this is according to those CSI guys in the series).

But love, love take more than that, the slowest reacting poison. Like any other poison, you'll feel affecting you more and more everyday. Love kills. And that's why no homo-sapiens are immortal; admit it or not, we're all in love, and we're all being murdered by love. Relate it with one of the Muslim's believe that good guys will always die first. Well, good guys are always loving guys. The more you're involved with love, the faster it kills you. It is an analogy to the arsenic, put more arsenic in your tea-bag, you'll die faster.

Being a logical person, a logical insight will always came pass me.

Love kills
but human must love
so to be on the safe side;
give the least of your love, and request the very least of love from others.
secret ingredient of long life...

Can we not pretend that we need lots of love? Or can we actually live longer with only a bit of love? As love is a poison, it is our heart's food. You'll die faster without love, than with love. Poison kills, but food keeps you alive, a week without food will turn a human to corpse.

Out of nowhere i feel like writing about this; whether love a weapon that kills you or makes you alive? The question pops up in mind, as i am very much hoping to be alive, and to live my life. I feel like i am dying, everyday, so to love or not to love?

the day?

Yesterday was woman's day. Not until one of the FM radio channel aired a morning talk of Woman's day, that i realize today's the day. Frankly, i do not know how people celebrate it, worse, i do not know what it is all about. What is it about actually?

Googled it, and found out that officially, 8th March of every year is pronounce as International Woman's Day. Supposed to be a day to connect all woman in the world and inspiring them to achieve their full potential. Well, a long history to get a day pronounced as woman's day, as it started out around 1900 in NY, when woman first fight for their rights (or maybe, first time noticed by the world fighting for their rights, as i am sure woman earlier than 1900 should have fought their right as well, individually). Officially being discussed during International Socialist convention in Copenhagen back in 1910, where a date was proposed to honour woman's right movement. And the fight for woman's day did continues until 1975 when it was finalized by United Nations (after claiming years of supports for IWD, tru conferences) and pronounce the 8th March as IWD.

And what they do on this day? it is a day when women's achievement are celebrated, and events are held to inspire all XX chromosome human. Its an honour to have a day dedicated to woman, but does that help in anyway? I have a good feeling that this day is celebrated only by those who feel that woman's right is violated. I don't. Thus there's no need to celebrate it.

Clearly, this day is to remind us that there were days when women were treated different from man, and whichever organisation who supports this day wanted women to believe that those old bad days are gone. True enough, women are being treated differently, not just before 1900, until now. But is that bad?

Well, i did not do my research, but as i watch movies and even read in books and magazine the it is not all bad. We are treated differently, because we are different from man. We are created by Almighty Allah to be women. The beauty of the world. We are not men, created as tougher and given lots of responsibilities. Why fight for the differences, when we are different?

I love being a woman. And i notice that man and woman are not the same, and i love the differences. If IWD is just a day to fight for an equality of both sexes, then i am happy that i do not celebrate it. It would be better, if we can celebrate a day, for woman, to be a true woman, and to be treated not equally as man, but treated as a woman, the beauty of the earth.